Dream. Aspire. Live.

I cannot believe it is nearly April - 3 whole months into 2015. Say what?! I know time tends to move a lot faster the older you get, especially when you are enjoying life, but still - I never imagined that weeks would speed on by as fast as they have done recently. Literally, every Friday for the past 2 months, I have said 'I cannot believe it's Friday again.' 

I guess I'm a bit concerned because this year I turn the big 'THREE OH'. Where...WHERE did my twenties go? I always remember my mom and dad telling my brother and me when we were little, to never wish our lives away and now I truly see what they were talking about. I think back on my twenties - my 21st birthdays (because I had about 4 parties) seem like just yesterday. Then I think back to me graduating from varsity and being petrified of the real world. The elation that came with my first ever job offer after my first ever interview and the nervousness I felt when I received a new job offer after that one and had to resign from the first one. At the time, these moments seemed so scary and daunting, however looking back now - I wish I could go back and savour each moment a bit more - truly live each experience, no matter which part of that rollercoaster of events I was on.

I'll be honest, turning 30 is somewhat scary for me, not because I am afraid of getting old or anything like that, but because I have gone through thirty years of my life already - so quickly. I have always been a firm believer that only those who believe they are old actually feel old, after all - 'age only counts if you are a cheese or a wine.' I have always felt and quite honestly believed that I am a few years younger than what I have always been. When I turned 25, I said I was 22. Turning 28 I only felt around 23-ish, and now that I am turning 30, I really only feel about 24. Yes, there have been times where I have felt a lot older than what I am - those times of stress and disarray, and I can see how and why stress can make you look and feel older, how it depleats you of your youth and vibrance. The answer here? Stop being stressed and start being awesome. Easier said than done - yes. But what have you got to lose in actually just living in your moment? This is something I am taking with me into my thirties, and to be frank - it's about time.

The past 5 months have been an amazing journey for me; moving to a new and sometimes rather backward country, starting a completely new profession, learning my way around new roads and suburbs, dealing with electricity and water issues, making new friends, missing old friends, missing family more than I ever thought possible, raising 2 bunnies, continuing my studies (ok I still haven't started that yet but hey I have the material), teaching amazing students, teaching some really difficult students, teaching beautiful, young, vibrant children and generally just getting on with LIFE. It hasn't been easy, no. But has it been worth it? Abso-f-ing-lutely. For the first time in a very long time (i'm not going to say 'ever' because I'm sure as a kid I was extremely care-free), I feel like I am actually living. I look forward to new days, I actually look forward to the next challenge, and I savour in the good moments more than I have ever done. There is SO much beauty in the smallest of things, and I have had the privilege of experiencing some of those moments for myself ever since I moved here. What has it taken? Me simply allowing it to happen. Letting go of the constant need for control. Letting go of the 'what if's' and the 'buts'. Going into my thirties, I feel like I actually know who I am. And therefore, I welcome that with open arms. 

It's amazing how worked up we (and by that I mean I) tend to get about something that hasn't even happened yet. We spring to conclusions about an outcome that isn't even guaranteed and therefore we act in a certain way until the experience actually happens. I have done a lot of reading and I have had several people in my life share information with me about how we tend to approach situations and act in one of two ways - either out of fear or out of love. This initial manner can literally drive the whole course in one direction. I personally have had many experiences where I immediately fear the outcome before it has even happened. This gets me into a stressed out frenzy, and each action and interaction up until the final stages of the whole event are affected this way - often faced with negativity and fear. And yet more often than not, the whole outcome turns out to be a lot less frightening or daunting than what I initially thought it would be. 

It's not easy to act out of love all the time and I think that is because we have grown up in a world where it's survival of the strongest - do or let others do to you as they wish. We immediately have our guards up - from the get-go we are acting out of fear. I was listening to my brother who was on an online radio show called 'The Good Stuff'. This particular show broadcasts news about really good things going on in South Africa and elsewhere in the world. My brother and the host, Brent mentioned how common it is to hear such negative news and that when people hear good news, or positive stories, they almost question what is going on. We cannot just accept good things happening, without questioning the motive and this is so true in a lot of things in our own personal lives. We immediately think about the negative outcome as opposed to the positive one - why?

I recently listened to a speech by Jim Carey and it completely moved me to the point that I was determined to listen to this speech every morning to start my day. Ok ok - so that didn't happen - I didn't listen to it every day, but his words have stuck with me and I try and use them as often as I can. 'So many of us chose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it.' 'If you can fail at what you don't want, you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.' 

In the past I have always thought - well that's easy for someone like Jim Carey to say - he's famous, has so much money and no wonder he dares to take chances - what has he got to lose. But then one day it just so happened that I personally took that very chance. Me. Denise Laura Taylor. I made the decision to change my life, and every action I took from that day led me to where I am now - most often than not without me even being aware of it. And every action I have taken since I started my new life in Zim, has led me to even more beautiful experiences and interactions. Am I on the right path? I most certainly think so, and if I'm not, well for now it's pretty darn sweet. You're probably reading this thinking, 'Really? Has it all really been so smooth and amazing? Is it really all peaches and cream?' No it hasn't been easy and no it's not a fluffy dessert all the time. Often I have had to really force myself to be positive about something, sometimes not even getting to being positive. But then, like I mentioned, when the event comes to fruition and all is not a train-smash, I kick myself, thinking why the hell did I act like that? So I'm really trying to approach new things in a different manor now going forward, not only to 'think positively' but mostly to avoid the stress and irritation that comes with immediately thinking that it's just going to be a bad ending.

Just last night I taught a class at a ladies gym. I have about 5 or 6 regular ladies who attend practice each week and it is the most rewarding experience every single time. I decided to push them a little bit this week, and started guiding them into a few arm balances. One of them said to me 'Denise - I just feel like I'm going to fall.' I thought back to when I first tried a similar posture and I too felt that way. My body just did not seem to be doing what the instructor was saying it should do and I could just picture my face crashing down into the ground. What was my teacher's response at the time? 'So then fall. What is the worst that could happen? You may take a tumble, but you're right next to the ground and I doubt you are going to hurt yourself.' I remember thinking about this, plucking up the courage and just going for it. Yes I fell, I fell a few times that same class and a few classes after that. But one day it just happened. My body just lifted and I felt amazing. So last night, I encouraged this paticular lady to try again and even though she didn't quite get all the way up, you could see that she was at least willing to try. All of those ladies were, and that's what makes my job amazing. From that moment, it was like all of them just felt so comfortable to open up to me, asking lots of questions about postures and 'how to's' etc. It was wonderful! Instead of acting out of fear and just going ahead with whatever I told them to do, they started acting out of love. Sometimes you might think your questions are so stupid but let's be honest here - how are you ever going to know if you never ask? We had such a fun class and I know that next time, these ladies will feel even more confident going into postures they haven't tried before. As Jim Carey also said, 'Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.' 

The past couple of weeks have been absolutely eye-opening for me. I have tried things I never thought I would, been through ups and downs and experiences which are completely out of my control, and I have questioned so many things along the way. At the time, some of these experiences seemed so frustrating, so down-right unfair, so exhausting and completely depleated me of my energy - some still do! But at the same time so many things have given me so much energy, restored my faith in people, and challenged me only so far that I actually come out ok - sometimes even on top. I have had to make decisions which haven't been a walk in the park, but once made, it's like a huge weight lifted from me. And I am so lucky that I have absolutely the right people with me all the way. This is an attestation to me TAKING that chance, choosing to stop fearing the result and just living in my moment.

I am not famous, I don't have a lot of money, I am simply a 29 (nearly 30) year old South African female, living in Harare, trying to make the most out of whatever situation. So take it from me - dare to live; to take the chances you think will never work, because yes you may come out second best, but at least you've tried at that thing that you love, that thing that drives your inner fire, instead of just accepting what is. Ask the questions you have been dying to ask. Make a fool out of yourself. If you don't - how will you ever know? So many people choose to stay in a place of comfort. Or rather - of discomfort if they actually think about it. So this is the time to ask - why? Yup that ground may come crashing into your face when you fall. But the ground is still there for you to plant your feet back onto and get straight back up. That same ground that may hurt you when you fall down, will be the support you need when you rise again. 

Go into new situations with love, not fear. Instead of immediately fearing the worst, just try for even a small second to imagine that everything will be okay. It may be a bumpy ride yes, but ultimately you need to dream big, aspire for the best in YOU, and 100% LIVE in your moment.

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?” 
― Erin Hanson